Dear God,
I frankly do not know if I should address you as my creator/father or the mighty King that you are. You know you have many names, but I always ending up calling the same...God; I guess that fits you better. I know have been a terrible child for a while.Despite knowing how powerful you are, I still aren't satisfied (what a demanding and pathetic child I am). I am ashamed of myself for labelling myself as a Christian, I am ashamed to call you my Father in Heaven, it's as f despite knowing that you love me, I feel better if I believe that you hate me; hence, working my way to the standards of a " real disciple" is what I believe will make you proud of me. It's not like you expected much of a trash like me; hence, my faith is shaking, I get discouraged and the more I believe I get close to you, the farther away I am. I don't deserve to feel hurt, I am the reason causing this, I hate myself for that even if I shouldn't. I don't deserve you by my side, and I still don't want to recognize your genuine love me. Perhaps I am scared to recognize your goodness towards me because it will take away everything I have dwelled in for so long: those lies, those moments of weakness, those betrayals, those naughty sins hidden and unconfessed. I have showered myself in sin, and now that I am trying to change, I refuse to accept you because I am coward, I don't want to let go of what has been eating me alive for so long. Am I not an idiot? Is there salvation for this kind of issue? If yes please show me the way before I die. I have promised to live up to your expectations; all I do is literally and genuinely toying with your power, your emotions and my spiritual life I am in danger, I know this, but I just don't want to let go. Someone like me is utterly useless. Won't you take my life away? Won't you steal my soul so that those accursed limbs and organs won't cause you any more pain? Won't you stop me from this madness. I guess you won't; I mean even if my flower withers, you still have other seeds to plant seeds that will praise, worship, adore and honor you. Your time can't be wasted on a failure like myself. I am sorry, I know most of this isn't true, but I know will suffocate if I dont express my true feelings to you. am dying, but the only thing that allows me to keep on fighting even if I am less than trash or a parasite, is because I know that I am less than trash or parasyte. Even an hindrance like myself can do something that may please you. I may have lost my rights, I may have lost my blessings and everything, but the little I have left to offer, let me polish it and serve you with it. Forgive me Lord, for misusing the gifts you gave me for evil, for breaking the body, mind, soul and spirit you gave me; for damaging our relationship and for nt loving you enough.. Everything I have is because of YOU. I want to change, but I am scared; that is why I need to change that is why I need you... One last time..Please help me change. In Jesus' Mighty Name I pray... Amen.
Ann
Received: June 26, 2017